Infinitesimal

Somehow landed an interview with another job I applied to for Monday, already! Thank you, Lord :’)

“Whatever you want to do, do it. There are only so many tomorrows.”

Well, I know I deserve this bit of comeuppance, but just because I deserve it doesn’t have to mean I can be 100% okay and chipper. The very first job I had has informed me that they are 100% staffed for this summer, meaning there’s no room for me, anymore. I know I should’ve called in sooner to let them know about my schedule and availability. But how could I have known so soon when all this crazy hooplah has been happening?

Needless to say, I am jobless for the summer unless I transfer to Burnsville, apply elsewhere (maybe Sephora?), or am lucky enough to get the paid job/internship I applied to for the summer at the U. But God only knows what will happen; I am only able to pray for the best, but expect the worst.

Please God, get me through this summer. The way I see it, things can only go up from here.

I don’t care how crazy things get in our lives and with each other. I don’t care how far apart we may end up living from one another in the future. I don’t care what paths we take, as we can only decide our own. I don’t care how many people come between us or whoever may try to influence us. You have been and will always be my best friend; nothing has or ever will change that~

I wish you’d talk to me….

—Please, just acknowledge my existence at least so I am not left hanging, looking like a fool.

My current state of being can only be compared to the lull before a large storm. Right now, I feel both hesitant, but confident. I feel encouraged, yet afraid. There is much to be determined, still…but I am mostly afraid of feeling like giving up within the first few weeks, even months of beginning the courses that need to be taken. I know it will take all the courage, guidance, and strength in the world to overcome the mental obstacles that are bound to loom over me while I go down this path.

I can only pray that guidance, courage, and motivation will be bestowed upon me in the upcoming days, weeks, months, even years.

When will these unfortunate events stop throwing themselves at me and my family? I am very much aware that if something good happens to me, something bad must immediately follow. It’s almost like a law that’s been put into action that I have no control over. But these recent events have just been….unlucky to put it mildly. So I may as well add on to the list I started earlier:

1) summer courses will cost a butt load

2) basement has continuously flooded

3) re-landscaping the backyard to a) prevent future flooding and b) make it look better

4) re-do the ceiling in the kitchen so it doesn’t collapse in on us

5) re-do the wallpaper

6) get gutters to prevent flooding

7) fix the broken car

8) if the laptop breaks after having been slammed onto the driveway, new laptop

9) wisdom teeth extraction

10) mom’s foot surgery

11) dad’s cataract surgery

All in one summer. Great.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this….depressed. I guess there’s no other way to put it. I look at my life and can out number the woes of my life in comparison to the “good things”. I consider these woes to be bad luck, although I realize I have had the power to change the course of my luck. But to be completely honest with myself, had I made different decisions in the past, I’m not sure that I would have had anything better than what I have now.

I’m tired of how mundane my life is. I’m tired of being so indecisive about my life. I’m tired of dragging others through the mud with me as I try to figure out my life. I’m tired of being a burden to others, as I know I have been. I’m tired of laying in bed for hours crying myself to sleep in hopes of escaping from the black and white that is my life these days. And I’m tired of being me, as it is not only a burden to myself, but for others as well.